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When Exercise Becomes Sexercise

Woman in exercise clothes, seated on ground holding her feet to keep her legs in the air

Exercise is great, especially when the only thing your routine requires is your own body. But that’s boring, right? We apparently, also, want to look like we are going to town while we tone our glutes.

Today we are going to focus on the ridiculousness that has been spewed at us over the years under the guise of “miracle” exercise solutions, but in fact just make us look like we’re in the bone zone.

Thighmaster – The Original Sexercise

There is no other place to start than with the Thighmaster. This device came with a smokin’ hot spokesperson and built in sexual innuendo. Suzanne Somers helped sell 6 million of these things in just 18 months with the simplest exercise: opening and closing your legs.

Ab Scissor – Bringing You Close to Your Goods

Large scale contraptions have been popular for years, promising major body transformation. NordicTrack, AbRoller, and Bowflex all come to mind, but the king of this ring is Body by Jake. Jake Steinfeld has made a variety of equipment, many of which could easily belong in either a porno or a Saw movie. Our favorite is the auto-fellatio-enabler known as the Ab Scissor. This either helps you reach your own junk or makes sure your ankles can hit your earlobes.

Power Rider – Thrusting You to Success

When using this next device, you might look like a kid trying to see over the backyard fence, or like someone engaged in some NSFW activity. The Power Rider continues the trend of exercise equipment that makes it look like you are having crazy aggressive sex. Pull in deep and feel the stretch, then extend your rear end to receive the full benefits of this machine.

Shake Weight – The Current King

Last, but certainly not least when it comes to having an impact on the perverted parts of your brain, is the Shake Weight. Although the “I totally don’t look like I’m jerking someone off” device only had moderate sales, many of which were probably joke purchases. I mean, how can anyone use this thing with any level of seriousness? Not to mention Consumer Reports found that using this had less affect on muscles than traditional exercise. The manual device probably won’t make you any better at hand-jobs either.

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