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PTSD: Heinz EZ Squirt Ketchup

Let’s take a step back in time for a brief moment. The year is 2000. We’ve just ushered out of the ’90s—a decade filled with girl power and boy band hysteria.

We’re diving head first into the 2000’s, an era of lawless fashion and inflatable furniture. Kind of like this federal crime:

But more importantly, Heinz Ketchup, America’s go to condiment since 1876 decided: “You know what? How about we throw every fucking food making law we’ve ever established out the window and do something completely rogue?”

Enter: The HELL that is Heinz EZ Squirt Ketchup.

Yes, your eyes are not mistaken, that is GREEN ketchup. And, yes, that is SHREK on the bottle. Because what’s more appetizing than a 6’9″, 355 lb. ogre that lives in a swamp? Answer: Anything.

Heinz really wanted to appeal to a younger demographic, and they could think of no better way than to take a perfectly ordinary product and completely destroy it. Because I’m sure every 6-year-old in the world was awake tossing and turning all night long thinking about how we could all make KETCHUP more exciting.

But it didn’t stop there. After Heinz released it’s signature green ketchup in 2000, they asked themselves yet again, “How the fuck can we make this even WORSE? I know, let’s make it purple.” And we’re gifted this dumpster fire:

Because I want my ketchup to look like it just got done having sex with THIS GUY:

But once they got going, there was NO stopping them. This company was the WILD WEST people. There were NO laws. They eventually started launching every color under the rainbow from greens to pinks to oranges, and even blues.

Finally in 2006, somebody from Heinz decided to crawl out of this 6-year k-hole and put a stop to this train-wreck once and for all, and discontinued all colored ketchup. (HALLELUJAH)

And humanity was saved. Ketchup returned to it’s rightful hue of red, and children all across the globe were forced to just eat their food instead of trying to Picasso the fuck out of their dining room table.

Gone and trying REAL hard to be forgotten.


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